My Christmas Boyfriend Read online

  Maybe I should take a leaf from my sister's book. Of all of us, she appears the happiest and dare I say it, the most normal.

  However, as soon as we get to the church I am pleased that we came.

  They have placed little tea lights in jam jars all the way up the path to the entrance. They burn brightly in the dark night and illuminate our journey to enlightenment.

  There is a steady stream of worshippers following it and despite the cold, frosty night, I feel warm inside.

  Liam takes my hand and smiles happily.

  ‘This is nice, Annie. I haven't been to midnight mass for years. It's certainly a welcome change from the Christmas Eve parties that I normally drag myself to. Hopefully this year I won't wake up with a raging hangover and miss half of the day by laying out cold in bed.’

  I nod but feel anxious. I keep on forgetting that Liam is used to living the high life. For some reason, I have forgotten that he is a member of the glitterati and sought after by crazed hormonal women. I wonder why on earth he is here at all? Surely this must all seem boring to him. He should have a supermodel on one arm and a glass of champagne in the other, hobnobbing with the rich and famous. Instead, he is being dragged to our local church with the crazy Famous Five inspired family from Hell. How the mighty have fallen.

  When we step inside the doors, I look around me wide-eyed. This is beautiful!

  There is a huge Christmas Tree lit with what appears to be real candles. I can't believe they get away with this in the days of health and safety gone mad. Fleetingly, I wonder if this is the start of us taking back control from Brussels. Brexit begins here in a fire hazard in the deepest, darkest, Dorset countryside.

  There is festive foliage everywhere and candles are lit on every surface.

  Far from feeling cold, there is a warmth inside that reflects in the happy faces around us. I spy a choir at the front all sitting resplendent in their white billowing gowns and hear the gentle tones of the organ playing as we take our seats.

  Mum and Dad lead us to a pew about halfway down. The place is filling up fast and there is an expectation in the air. Gina sinks down heavily next to Dick and I watch as they hold hands and sit close together, shutting the rest of us out. Again, I long to be close to someone. How I wish that someone was Liam.

  Soon it begins and I thoroughly enjoy myself. I really must get out more if this is my idea of a good time.

  I find the whole experience magical. There is something quite calming about singing hymns in the dead of the night, celebrating Christmas with your loved ones. As I sink to my knees on the embroidered kneeler and pray, I offer up a silent prayer to make my Christmas boyfriend last quite a lot further into the new year.

  I am woken the next morning by a little hand shaking me. I open one eye and see Elliott peering at me, beaming with excitement.

  ‘Wake up, Annie, Father Christmas has been and mummy says we have to wait until everyone is up before we can open our presents. Hurry up!!’

  I smile and want to squeeze him hard. He is so adorable and his excitement is infectious. Then I see the time. 5am!!!

  I groan. ‘Elliott, it's still night-time, go back to bed.’

  His little face falls and I feel bad. Shaking my head, I just grab my dressing gown and grin.

  ‘Come on then. I'll sleep tomorrow. Lead on my friend and let's see if your dreams have come true.’

  He giggles excitedly and I laugh as I see Barney pulling a grumpy Gina from her bed.

  ‘Come on Georgie Porgie, you've had enough sleep.’

  Gina catches my eye and despite the early hour, grins. Just for a moment, we are transported back to our childhood.

  We used to get up even earlier than this and head off to unwrap our presents with great excitement. My dad used to moan but mum always let us. As soon as we had opened them they went back to bed, leaving Gina and I to play with our toys. By the time they got up we were both exhausted and feeling rather sick, due to the fact that we had eaten every chocolate orange in our stockings.

  I say stockings; it was always a pair of dad's socks, stretched to within an inch of their lives. I wonder if people still do that now?

  We follow the excited boys, who disappear off quickly to round up the rest. I laugh as I hear a loud voice shouting,

  ‘Bugger off back to bed. Come back when it's 10 am. Some of us need all the sleep we can get.’

  Gina grins. ‘Typical Gran. I don't think she ever read the manual on the dos and don'ts of raising children. Not swearing in front of children would mean she didn't ever utter one sentence. Isn't it great how the elderly can get away with everything we punish our children for?’

  I laugh and sink down onto the settee and wait for the rest. The place looks amazing. Heaps of brightly wrapped parcels lay littered around the fireplace and the tree twinkles merrily in the dark still of the night. 5 am in Winter is still the middle of the night as far as I'm concerned.

  We hear the boys excited chatter as they lead two more victims into the room and my heart does a huge somersault as I see Liam walking towards me. Wow, morning Liam is even more gorgeous if that's at all possible. Once again, I want to run my fingers through that hair of his and he wears the designer stubble well. He rakes his hand through his hair and gazes at me sleepily. He has thrown on a pair of tracksuit bottoms and a sweatshirt and if Santa has brought me anything at all it's the sight of him this morning. This image will stay with me forever.

  As he looks at me, a grin breaks out across his face and he flops down beside me.

  Leaning across, he plants a kiss on my cheek.

  ‘Happy Christmas gorgeous. Sleep well?’

  I can feel my heart thumping in my chest as I just manage to squeak out,

  ‘Yes, thank you. What about you?’

  He nods. ‘Like a log. That is until I was taken prisoner by two relentless warriors.’

  I laugh. ‘Sorry about that. I'm actually quite impressed they made it to 5 am.’

  The door opens and mum comes into the room bearing a tray of tea and coffee.

  ‘Here you go everyone, help yourselves while we wait for the rest.’

  It doesn't take the twins long to round up the last few stragglers and then they launch themselves on Santa's gifts like two heat-seeking missiles.

  Suddenly, the air is filled with the sounds of tearing paper and cries of joy. Even Timmy gets in on the act and helps scratch the paper from the gifts. All around me are happy faces watching these two little boys have so much fun.

  We laugh at the groans as yet another toy is exposed, that will need building or batteries. I know what most of us will be doing this morning.

  The best moment is when Elliott unwraps Barbie. Liam nudges me and we watch as he rips the paper off and then squeals in delight.

  ‘I knew he was real. Look, he gave me Bubblehead Barbie, I can't believe it.’

  Gina and Dick grin at us and we laugh at the expressions on everyone's faces. My Aunt looks totally bewildered and I hear my uncle whisper, ‘Good God, it looks like I returned just in time. What on earth were you thinking?’

  My Aunt looks confused and shakes her head. ‘I don't know anything about it.’

  Gran laughs out loud. ‘You're starting young, Elliott. Playing with girls already, you'd better watch him, Rose. It looks like he's taking after my side of the family.’

  Liam nudges me and whispers, ‘I wonder if his other wish will come true when he returns to school.’

  I laugh and then to my surprise he takes my hand in his and squeezes it softly. Leaning down he whispers,

  ‘I love what you did for him, Annie. You're the kindest person I have ever met. I'm glad that we met on the train. This has been the best Christmas of my life so far and it's all thanks to you.’

  I blush and strangely feel lost for words. Inside me is a raging torrent of emotions. It feels so good being here with Liam, sharing this family Christmas with him. The trouble is, I must harden my heart because in just a couple of days, we will be ba
ck in London and all of this will be forgotten. I'm enough of a realist to know that guys like Liam don't end up with ordinary girls like me. He may be having a good time now but when the mundane takes over, he will be off like a rocket back to Starsville. I must just enjoy this while it lasts.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  The rest of the morning is spent trying to remove plastic packaging and building Lego. We must get through two multi-packs of batteries and there is mess everywhere.

  Most of the men are enjoying helping the little boys with their toys. Their excitement is contagious and there is lots of excited chatter, drowning out the sound of the Christmas carols that are on a loop on the music channel.

  Gina and my Aunt are busy clearing away the packaging while taking crafty sips of Bucks Fizz and chatting about general things. I help my mum with the dinner and Granny and the Major have retreated for a lie-down.

  Then the moment we have all been waiting for arrives. Christmas Dinner.

  Mum calls us all to sit down and I must admit the table looks amazing. She has excelled herself and her homemade crackers sparkle in the light, nestling beside her beautifully wrapped table presents. The glasses sparkle and the amazing centrepiece of a festive candle ring burns brightly in the middle.

  I sit next to Liam and he winks at me. ‘I'm so hungry, all that building has made me work up quite an appetite.’

  I grin. ‘Don't think I didn't see you having way too much fun playing with those presents. In fact, I don't think the twins even got a look in.’

  He laughs and my heart tightens. I am going to miss him so much.

  Soon we are off and eating the fruits of my mum's hard work. Christmas dinner is like none other. We put so much into it. There is the planning weeks ahead, sometimes months. Recipes are sought out in books and from television programs, all designed to deliver the perfect Christmas meal. The vegetables are grown and frozen under the labels, 'Christmas dinner.' The actual cooking is planned in a military-style operation and the ingredients are sourced from the most reputable providers. All common sense goes out of the window as we indulge in things we would never do normally. The wine is the most expensive we can afford and there are bottles of every kind of drink on earth.

  We attend many Christmas fairs in the run-up to the big day. We purchase locally produced wine and alcohol with an Artisan flavour. The desserts are planned and executed with precision and chilled in the mancave when the room in the fridge has been taken. Nothing is left to chance or unplanned and it is all over in well under 30 minutes.

  I gaze around me at the devastation. The crackers have been reduced to a pile of packaging, their contents mingling with the crumpled napkins and paper hats. Plates are now dirty and empty and the wine mere dregs at the bottom of the glasses. The candle has dripped wax onto the festive foliage and nearly caused a fire, quickly extinguished by Dick's fast thinking and a nearby glass of water.

  Nobody can move and we all just slump back in our seats and pray for a miracle in helping this food digest quickly in readiness for the Christmas pudding and mince pies.

  It is at this point that everything goes badly wrong.

  As I sink back into my chair, I hear my phone ring. It shatters the peace and everyone looks around thinking it must be theirs. Like everyone, I follow suit and then hear Gran shout.

  ‘Here it is. Good, God!’

  We all look at her and she laughs loudly, holding the phone out to me.

  ‘It's for you, Annie darling. It would appear that Tosser has sent you a selfie.’

  Feeling my cheeks burn, I grab the phone wildly.

  Looking over my shoulder, Gina gasps, ‘Oh my God, Annie, is that a dick Pic?!’

  All eyes swing to Dick and he holds his hands up. ‘Not me.’

  Liam snorts, as he looks over my shoulder and tries hard not to laugh.

  I can't believe what I am seeing. There, in all its glory, is a picture of Gary's most private part, under the caption.

  ‘He misses you.’

  Ugh, you have got to be kidding me. My dinner threatens to make an appearance and I look around me shell-shocked.

  Mum looks over curiously. ‘What's the matter, darling? Don't tell me you also know somebody called Dick and why is he sending you pictures of himself?’

  I shake my head, lost for words and say feebly. ‘It must be a wrong number.’

  Gina snorts and dad looks over at Dick.

  ‘Is there a law against sending people porn pictures without their authorisation? I mean, could they get arrested?’

  Gina shouts out angrily. ‘Enough dad. What the hell is going on? These questions of yours are getting creepy. Ever since we arrived you've been saying the weirdest things. Something is going on here and I want to know what.’

  All eyes swing over to my father who suddenly looks extremely uncomfortable.

  ‘I don't know what you mean.’

  I interrupt. ‘It's true Dad. These questions are strange. Are you in any trouble because if you are we can help?’

  Dad looks alarmed, for want of a better word and looks at my mum with a panicked expression.

  All eyes now turn to her and she rolls her eyes and says angrily.

  ‘I told you not to say anything. You've only got yourself to blame now it's all coming out.’

  I look at Liam in shock – Coming Out!! Is this what I think it is?

  Liam shakes his head and looks at me with concern as mum sighs heavily.

  ‘Ok, they should know anyway. It's gone on too long and you can't keep it a secret for much longer.’

  Gran leans forward and fixes them with an interested look.

  ‘Go on Sandra, you can tell us. I mean, nothing shocks me anymore, isn't that right, Major.’

  I feel strangely disturbed to see him wink at her and a little secret smile passes between them. Parking that one for later contemplation, I look over at my mum as she takes my father's hand.

  ‘You should all know that your father has been living as another for some time now.’

  I hear Gina's sharp intake of breath as the blood rushes to my head. Liam grabs my hand under the table and squeezes it hard.

  Dad looks around the table guiltily. ‘I'm afraid it started by accident, really. I was just asked to fill in for someone and then realised I had quite a knack for it. They asked me to carry on and I've been doing it ever since. I wanted to tell you all, but have to keep my identity secret because if anyone found out who I really am then it would be game over.’

  Aunt Rose interrupts. ‘What are you talking about, Kevin? Should we take the boys outside?’

  My mum shakes her head. ‘No, it's fine. Just tell them, Kevin, so I can get on with the dessert.’

  Clearing his throat, my father stares at us guiltily.

  ‘Well, here goes then. I have been working at the local paper for six months now as an agony aunt. I go by the name, Delilah Dogoody and people send me their problems and I offer advice. It must remain a secret, because if the locals knew it was me then it wouldn't work. Why would they entrust their deepest, darkest, secrets, to someone they know? This way, everyone remains anonymous and I help out where I can.’

  The relief is overwhelming. Thank God, an Agony Aunt.

  Gina cries, ‘What on earth possessed you to call yourself Delilah Dogoody? How lame is that? For god's sake, dad, couldn't you have taken up golf or something?’

  Gran just laughs loudly. ‘I love it! As soon as dinner is over, take me to your mancave Kevin and let me rifle through your problems. It will keep me going for another twenty years.’

  I daren't look at Liam, this is too much. What must he be thinking?

  Mum clears her throat. ‘Anyway, let's just leave all this and open the Santa's sack in the other room. We can have dessert after the Queen's speech.’

  As we follow her from the room, Liam whispers, ‘There you go. I told you there would be a rational explanation for his behaviour.’

  I shake my head. ‘If you think any part of this is
rational, then you have been around us for too long already. This isn't normal, Liam. How on earth could you think it is?’

  He just laughs and puts his arm around me and pulls me close.

  ‘Come on, girlfriend, I can’t wait to see what happens next.’

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  In our house we have a Santa's sack. The rules are, all gifts must be useful and cost no more than £1.

  It's a lucky dip and if you want you can swap with someone else at the end. Everyone throws their gifts into the sack and it's a general free for all.

  Mum claps her hands and smiles around the room.

  ‘Right then, Elliott and Barney have kindly offered to play the roles of Santa's elves and will give you all your first gift.’

  The boys proceed to race around the room thrusting cheaply wrapped gifts at all and sundry.

  I open mine and discover a sponge for the car. Liam has a can of deodorant. Looking over I see the Major pulling a woolly hat down onto his head and I hear Elliott say with surprise, ‘Oh, I always wanted one of these.’

  As I look over, I laugh out loud at the sight of him brandishing a balloon whisk while pretending it’s a sword.

  Liam laughs and points to my gran who is holding up a calendar of hunky men triumphantly.

  ‘I'm not swapping these with anyone - got that?’

  We all laugh as my uncle holds up a pair of tights. ‘Could come in handy for the bank job I will need to carry out to pay my credit cards bills after Christmas.’

  My Aunt rolls her eyes and looks at her book on meditation gratefully.

  Then we hear Barney cry out in delight. ‘Wow, I love these.’

  Looking over, we see the slightly disturbing sight of him brandishing a pair of fur wrapped handcuffs. My mum looks utterly surprised as he slaps them on Elliott.